Pogo Balls can save the world.

I miss pogo balls. If you don’t know what a pogo ball is, then you obviously didn’t enjoy the mid-80’s as a kid. I did, however, and that toy was one of the most important items I owned as a little Shaun. Pogo ball is watcha call it, hop ‘n a bop ‘n everywhere… I remember the commercial like it was yesterday. More importantly, I remember the pogo battles that ensued at bus stops neighborhood-wide, and the playground wars. Serious business. You wanna talk about ridicule, go ask the kid that only bounced stationary in one spot, who couldn’t kick flip his PB, how much he liked waiting for the bus in the morning. It just wasn’t enough to own a pogo ball, it wasn’t enough to be able to bounce up and down. No, you had to know how to spin start it, the jump grab (front and back); you needed to be extreme. It was a daily grind keeping up on all the new tricks; practicing on the trampoline, perfecting your next move before wowing the crowd while the sipped their juice boxes. Chicks were lining up to share their Lunchables.

What’s not to love about pogo balls, or the 80’s for that matter? Great movies, Nintendo was released, John Cusack was on top of the world. These were the best days of our lives, people. I mean, will there ever be a time when I can wear a flat top mullet, again, without facing certain verbal (and probably physical) abuse? I don’t think so. And I loved that haircut, mom, so don’t beat yourself up about making me keep it until I was in high school. All bad haircuts aside, the 80’s gave us so much. I long for movies that offer up frontal nudity for no other reason than just to say, hey, here’s some boob for ya, enjoy. Seeing Demi Moore nude in "About Last Night" changed my life as a young dude, but there wasn't a real need to add that into the movie. It was as if the director said, "Demi, how about a little nakedness? You know, for the kids?". 80's movies alone could be discussed for hours on end, they're that good.

I miss the days when this number 007 373 5963 meant you were a complete wizard on Mike Tyson’s Punch Out. To beat Mike Tyson was to rule the neighborhood; a great testament to your skill level and it added to your overall coolness status as a pre-pubescent boy. Also, the street cred you could earn by beating the Goonies game back then, damn. That game was impossible and I'm still ashamed to say that I couldn't beat it without the Game Genie.

I love the fact that back in the day, I could wake up on a Saturday morning with a completely awesome cartoon line up ready to start. A bowl of Fruity Pebbles and blanket and I was set for, like, at least 3 hours. Thank God I missed the educational cartoon era. Kids are getting hosed on that deal. Instead of learning to spell, I was learning how to defeat an evil anti freedom army lead by a masked villain. Thank you Joes. Thundercats was a dominate cartoon, also. Who didn't want the Sword of Omen's? I mean really. Hell, I wanted site beyond site, too. I waited 30 minutes every episode just to hear "Thunder Thunder Thunder Thundercats Hoooooooo!". That's how cool cartoons were back in the 80's. They were awesome.

Who's gonna argue with me on this. It was definitely the best decade to live as a kid. Yeah, the 80’s were killer.

Just get in the elevator already.

Can we talk a bit about Elevator etiquette? Okay, here's the deal, when entering and exiting an elevator the rules are different than those when you're dealing with a door (car or building). What do I mean? Well, I'm not sure how it is in most high rise buildings but in mine the elevators are on strict orders to only allow one moving car at a time, even though there are 6 supposedly operating. In the mornings there are always a few dozen of us waiting for a ride up to our differing floors and in no way can we all fit in one car. While waiting I keep to myself, usually with coffee, staring blindly at the floor even though someone from my office is 4 people away. It's not that I dislike the person, but I'd rather ease into the day, instead of hearing a recap of last nights American Idol. Who wants to talk in a full elevator anyway? Everyone unintentionally eves dropping on my conversation, not that they have a choice. Me trying to low talk to my co-worker in an attempt to steer clear of the others hearing space. It's a trying situation. And I love the cell phone people, "...hey, yeah, no yeah. Yeah, hey, hey, hey. Seriously, right?. Hey, I'm on the elevator so if I lose ya, I'll call ya back, okay?". No way that call is that important. And are we done with the blue-tooth ear pieces, yet?

Anyway, so we wait. Finally the time comes to board. Now this is when things get smokey. I'm on the 17th floor (the highest floor that these elevators go) so I'm going to get on the elevator first, right? That's certainly what I was thinking. But no, instead we're gonna let the people on the 1st-4th floors on first because they're female. See where I'm going with this? How does this make sense? Now we're jammed into this tiny area--I'm in front--and every time the door opens I exit to let people off. It certainly seems like a situation we could've avoided, no? If that's not bad enough, I also have a hard time comprehending why a person that could easily exit the elevator, clearing the way for others, instead decides to step to the side and let the women off first. I'm all for chivalry but this is a bit extreme. Just get off. They're right behind ya, dude. I can promise you that neither I or any other person in that elevator is going to judge you. You're still a nice person if you tear out of there with blatant disregard as to what happens to the remaining 3 girls getting off on your floor. We'll make sure they don't get stuck.

On a side note, is there a more uncomfortable situation than riding up and down in an elevator with someone you don't know? My God, it's almost unbearable. I find myself trying to guess which floor they'll get off on so I can finally relax. It's so awkward. Even worse when it's someone that works on my floor because I sometimes try and converse with this person. And by converse I mean give a simple nod and a "hey, how's it going?" Completely rhetorical and they know that. Jesus, I didn't know 17 floors could take so long.

Sarah Palin Going Rogue On Chicago

So Sarah Palin's coming to speak in Chicago. That's right, the "strongest voice in the conservative party" at the moment is coming to speech it up to her loyal followers. About what, I have no idea, but I'd love to be there. This woman is comedy gold, people. Of course I laugh at her and not with her, but hey, she does it to herself. I'm sure the speaking engagement will cover everything from her take on foreign policy (God help us) to her husbands latest hunting trip at which time he, "slayed that giant moose like we're gonna do Obama's failed health care plan"--add Palin wink and classic head nod. Oh that crowd is gonna eat it up.

One thing she probably won't bring up is sex education. Speaking of her daughter, I hear she's "revisiting abstinence". Little late for that, isn't it? Seriously, this seems to be a new fad for people to hear about and reject instantly. Folks out there are "reclaiming their virginity". Do you have to call the girl or guy that took it, first, to get it back? Are there steps to reclaiming your virginity, kinda like when battling alcoholism? Pretty sure virginity is a one time thing. You can't can't be "born again virgin", or "made pure again", either. How would that work? Do I have to renounce my non-virgin penis and bathe it in holy water? Is there some sort of animal sacrifice that needs to be carried out? Can I get a "pure again" kit on the Internet? I'm sorry, I just don't see the need for ridiculous labels. If you don't wanna have sex, fine, but stop with the over-the-top characterizations of the event.

Anyway, back to Palin. Is there really any reason, any reason at all, for her to be touring? Didn't she do enough talking when she was killing John McCain's final chance at becoming President? I figured that by this point she'd be making special appearances on WWE Monday Night Raw, body slamming the latest Iron Sheik-type character. Or "going rogue" somewhere. And yet there is still speculation that she might run for President in 2012. I hear Toronto is a beautiful city to live in.

Girls In Tuxedos Stay Away From Mississippi

A high school prom was canceled in Jackson, Mississippi because a girl wanted to wear a tuxedo and bring her girlfriend. You can't make this stuff up. You have to really think on this because the story, at least to me, isn't about a girl whom wanted to wear a tuxedo. It's not about a high school senior being a lesbian. To me, it's about the location where this story is taking place. My God in heaven can you imagine what the rednecks in Mississippi are thinking when they hear that a girl wants to date another girl?

"She wanna what? Take a girlfriend to prom? That just ain't right. Why don't she wanna wear a dress? Girls got no business wearin' a tuxedo, huggin' on another girl. It ain't Christian. And they they can spread they sin on the rest them keeeds. Don't they know that? Just aint' right. Get the bible, we goin' that girls house to save 'er. Lord I hope it ain't too late."

I'm sure someone said something close to that during a recent discussion about the situation, down in Mississippi.

Now, I'm not from Mississippi but I'd take a guess that there are more 6 year old children with shotguns and double digit animal kills than there are lesbians around there. You have to wonder what it's like for the 2 girls that are no doubt being blamed for the cancellation of such an overrated experience as Prom. Talk about being on an secluded island. Threats must be runnin' wild. Screams of, "We hate you", to, "Why don't you go live in another state, like Memphis?", are probably thrown around daily. The school board members are the real losers in all of this. Seriously, why should they care if the girl wants to wear a tuxedo? It's one night, held in a barn, gym, or the local Double Tree Hotel. Most of the kids will be too drunk to care anyway. If the board wanted to make a statement announcing that they hated gays, they could've banned "Macho Man" or "I'm Too Sexy" or "YMCA" from the playlist at prom. Instead they resort to hiding behind their religious beliefs and create a drama that Soap Opera writers would be proud of. Now they've lined up the 2 girls to be verbally stoned each day at school because "they" ruined prom.

Congrats adults.

I'm sure there's one mother (a former prom queen and shell of her former self) whom has led the charge against the powerful lesbian insurgents. I've met this "woman", as I'm sure many of you have. She trains her daughter in the art of persecution. Her little girl ends up building her popularity on the foundation of promiscuity and everyone knows it but her. She meddles in everyone's business, nosing around to scrape together the latest dirt on high school kids. She acts like she's been charge by Yahweh himself to find and destroy all that she deems unholy. She has friends, but they all hate her secretly. A sad, wretched woman. If this describes you or your mom, that's a bummer. Tough way to find out you're terrible at life.

Look, I'm not an advocate for or against the gay community. I could care less. But I love hearing about stuff just like this. With so many problems in the world, something as insignificant as a girl in a tuxedo can really cause such a uproar? It's amazing. Let it go already. I guess it wouldn't be Mississippi if they weren't persecuting someone.

There is, however, a silver lining in the decision to cancel prom; at least it takes away a prime opportunity for dumb redneck seniors to conceive more dumb redneck babies.

Doctor, I might be a doctor, too.

I've decided that I never have to go to the doctors office, again. No need for me to spring for the $20 co-pay. No need to read 9 month old US Weekly magazines in the waiting room for 15 minutes. No need to sit on the examination bed, counting throat swabs while waiting an additional 8 minutes for the Doc to come talk to me. Nope, I'm done because I found www.WebMD.com -- the only place that I can figure out just what exactly the neon green, superglue sticky-like substance that I hack on the sidewalks really is.

I dipped that last paragraph in heavy, heavy sarcasm if you couldn't tell.

The truth is, WebMD.com is terrible. This website is worse than free porn sites, or foxnews.com. Thanks to the wonderful people who brought us this medical marvel of a site, we now have millions of wanna-be doctors, self diagnosing themselves with everything from a common sinus infection to cancer. Now I'm not gonna make light of cancer, but I'm being serious when I say that cancer seems to pop up in every search results field after you plug in any symptoms you may have.

Case and point, I once had a serious problem with my stomach. Not to get all in-depth about it, but I ate some bad lettuce or something at a restaurant and ended up with the "runs" for, like, 7 days. It's like I spent a night drinking Mexico tap water with a splash of Mexico well water, on the rocks of course. Speaking of "the runs", why the hell are they called that? You can't run. Hell, you can't stride further than 3 inches at a time without putting your pant legs in serious jeopardy. But I digress. So I needed answers and I put in my symptoms on WebMD.com and boom, on the list of possibilities was cancer. What? Mass hysteria. I instantly picked up the phone, scheduled an appointment, and was in the Docs office that day.

When I told her what was up (which was an odd conversation) and then told her I feared that there could be several things wrong with me, even the possibility of cancer, she asked me what I was talking about. I said, "I was doing some checking on WebMD.com and....". She cut me off with, "Listen homey, I went to school for a few years to become a doctor. You get what I'm saying? Stop with the bullshit." Smart lady.

Turns out I don't know anything about being a doctor. Neither does www.WebMD.com