Dear Obama,
Guess what, you're not welcome in Oklahoma. No, seriously, don't ever think of visiting. I'm pretty sure voting to change the state motto to, "Obama invented death" is right around the corner. There's no righting the ship 'round here. I'm not sure what you did to the people in Oklahoma but I haven't seen scorn for one person like this since the days of, well, Bill Clinton. Seriously, all people had to do to win office in this great state was mention that they wanted to fight you. Like, physically fight you...along with everything you stand for. Congrats on that, it's quite the accomplishment. You should take pride in being able to make 99.9% of a state's population hate you.
I guess you'll just have to go through life never having the chance to see a Thunder game, live, or experiencing the magic that is Coney I-Lander. Hey, it's your fault. If you'd just tried less to help the middle and lower class, you might've been a big hit around here. But no, you had to be a big shot and wreck the White House. Didn't you learn anything from George W.? He laid out a blueprint on how to run this country into the ground and you simply ignore it? Talk about a bad choice. Look, I don't know if the lifetime ban will hold up forever. Maybe, just maybe, if you give your next State of the Union address wearin' an OU hat, while squeezing off rounds of a shotgun, and occasionally yelling "THESE COLORS DON'T RUN", you could get the ban reduced a bit. It might also help if you scrap your normal entrance music, in favor of "Real American" by Rick Derringer. I know it's risky, and a bit unorthodox, but it could go a long way in connecting with the voters. Of course you'll have to get Hulk Hogan's approval, but hey, it's worth a look. I'm not sayin' it will work, but you've gotta start somewhere.
Now that I really think about it, there's no hope. Ah, the irony.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
Get Your DeLorean, Cubs Fans
In 1981, the sweetest, most glorious sports car, ever, was introduced to America. It was going to change the landscape of motor transportation forever. With stainless steel panels, gull-wing doors, and a fiber glass underbody, it was suppose to be superior to every car before it.
Of course that car, that model of excellence was the DeLorean. It didn't exactly live up to expectations. Nope, it actually never made it atop the throne of cars. Sure we all wanted one because McFly busted through time, punched out Biff, and altered his family's existence from being a group of unmanageable dorks into a solid family unit of successful professionals. But that was as far as the DeLorean made "it". An investment gone terribly wrong.
Flash forward to 2010. I give you the Chicago Cubs. Just like the famously failed DeLorean, the Cubs have managed to make $140+ million disappear into the abyss of completely wasted money. A team that's supposedly built to win has become nothing more than a team looking to survive the first 2 months of the season.
How could this have happened? Surely there's a reasonable explanation as to why a team, who's payroll is in the top 3 in all of Major League Baseball, is destined to be one of the biggest flops this sports year. Let's see, could it be team chemistry? Can't blame it on Milton Bradley because he's gone, and the team seems like it's void of any Michael Barret-Zambrano situations. What about hitting? Well, several Cubbies are hitting well over .300, all be it not while runners are on base, but there's still hope that changes. Even Soriano's hitting, so we can't blame it on him, much to the dismay of Fonzie haters. Then there's the D Lee/Rami situation; you'd have to combine their averages in order to get it around .300 and that's obviously a problem. Maybe we should put the blame solely on the shoulders of those two. I mean, they are the veterans of the club. They're the leaders of the team and the RBI guys, so let's just blame them and move on. Naw, there's more to it than that.
I'm starting to think Sweet Lou is the problem. That's fair, right? He is the manager of the club. He's the one that's championed with getting the overpriced talent to produce. It's his job to get these guys to compete, isn't it? And he's not getting it done. "We've just gotta hit" isn't an acceptable sound byte after a loss, anymore, and that's the pre-programmed response we've too often heard from him this year. His ability, or lack there of, to push the right buttons in order to run a winning team out on the field daily has to come into question, at some point. And it needs to happen sooner than later or this team might quit by July. It's not like we're talking about the Pittsburgh Pirates--who swept the Cubbies right out of town, recently--no, we're talking about a team that's stocked with talent. Enough to win and certainly enough to be at least a .500 team, at this point. Yet we as fans are asked to sit back and wait. As if we haven't waited throughout the entirety of our lives for the Cubs to make an appearance in the World Series. Sometimes it takes a change and I'm not talking about sending Fontenot away via a trade or upgrading the bat boy. It starts with Lou. Regardless of his track record in the as a manager, he has to produce and at a high level and he's been unable to. It's not like he's acquired tenure or anything. Cut him loose, bring in some new blood, or at the very least give him a stern talking to.
Maybe the Cubs will rebound this year. Maybe Lou will right the ship. Maybe, just maybe, the Cubs will remember what it's like to win consistently and surprise us all. Or, and this is highly likely, they'll continue down the path of complete failure and end up like the DeLorean....New Coke....The XFL. A once grand idea, with so much promise, that refused to succeed. I can only hope, for the sake of all Cubs fans, that's not the case.
I guess if Back To The Future part II was right, we'll get the chance to see the Cubs win a World Series in 2015?
Of course that car, that model of excellence was the DeLorean. It didn't exactly live up to expectations. Nope, it actually never made it atop the throne of cars. Sure we all wanted one because McFly busted through time, punched out Biff, and altered his family's existence from being a group of unmanageable dorks into a solid family unit of successful professionals. But that was as far as the DeLorean made "it". An investment gone terribly wrong.
Flash forward to 2010. I give you the Chicago Cubs. Just like the famously failed DeLorean, the Cubs have managed to make $140+ million disappear into the abyss of completely wasted money. A team that's supposedly built to win has become nothing more than a team looking to survive the first 2 months of the season.
How could this have happened? Surely there's a reasonable explanation as to why a team, who's payroll is in the top 3 in all of Major League Baseball, is destined to be one of the biggest flops this sports year. Let's see, could it be team chemistry? Can't blame it on Milton Bradley because he's gone, and the team seems like it's void of any Michael Barret-Zambrano situations. What about hitting? Well, several Cubbies are hitting well over .300, all be it not while runners are on base, but there's still hope that changes. Even Soriano's hitting, so we can't blame it on him, much to the dismay of Fonzie haters. Then there's the D Lee/Rami situation; you'd have to combine their averages in order to get it around .300 and that's obviously a problem. Maybe we should put the blame solely on the shoulders of those two. I mean, they are the veterans of the club. They're the leaders of the team and the RBI guys, so let's just blame them and move on. Naw, there's more to it than that.
I'm starting to think Sweet Lou is the problem. That's fair, right? He is the manager of the club. He's the one that's championed with getting the overpriced talent to produce. It's his job to get these guys to compete, isn't it? And he's not getting it done. "We've just gotta hit" isn't an acceptable sound byte after a loss, anymore, and that's the pre-programmed response we've too often heard from him this year. His ability, or lack there of, to push the right buttons in order to run a winning team out on the field daily has to come into question, at some point. And it needs to happen sooner than later or this team might quit by July. It's not like we're talking about the Pittsburgh Pirates--who swept the Cubbies right out of town, recently--no, we're talking about a team that's stocked with talent. Enough to win and certainly enough to be at least a .500 team, at this point. Yet we as fans are asked to sit back and wait. As if we haven't waited throughout the entirety of our lives for the Cubs to make an appearance in the World Series. Sometimes it takes a change and I'm not talking about sending Fontenot away via a trade or upgrading the bat boy. It starts with Lou. Regardless of his track record in the as a manager, he has to produce and at a high level and he's been unable to. It's not like he's acquired tenure or anything. Cut him loose, bring in some new blood, or at the very least give him a stern talking to.
Maybe the Cubs will rebound this year. Maybe Lou will right the ship. Maybe, just maybe, the Cubs will remember what it's like to win consistently and surprise us all. Or, and this is highly likely, they'll continue down the path of complete failure and end up like the DeLorean....New Coke....The XFL. A once grand idea, with so much promise, that refused to succeed. I can only hope, for the sake of all Cubs fans, that's not the case.
I guess if Back To The Future part II was right, we'll get the chance to see the Cubs win a World Series in 2015?
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Happy Mothers Day
This year my mom is celebrating her 30th Mother's Day, and she's not even 50 years old. Every once in a while, when I get to thinking about it, it hits me just how young my mom was when she gave birth to me. Before the age of 21 she had already committed to putting me and my needs before hers, and that's pretty amazing. I couldn't have imagined being responsible for a child at the age of 20. I was so consumed with myself that I rarely thought about anything other than what I wanted, what I thought I needed. She did, however, and here I am, at 30, more thankful than ever that I have a mother like her.
Everyone say's their mom's the best mom in the world, and I'm no different. My mom has given me everything and never has she asked for anything in return. A mother in the truest sense of the word. She's always around when I need her; the one person I've been able to lean on when my life didn't make sense at all. She's one of the great ones.
Mother's have an almost super hero mental strength to them, don't they? There's no other way to explain it. Even when I've been completely crushed by events in life that shouldn't have happened, she's able to exude strength. I've seen it first hand many times in my short life, but while dealing with the deaths of my Great Grandmother and my cousin (two of my favorite people on earth) is when she proved just how much stronger she is then me. While I have no doubt that she was an emotional wreck on the inside, she was nothing if not the stabilizing force for me on the outside. It's times like the aforementioned when you really appreciate how much a mother can endure and still be standing strong. For better or worse, she's always the one that has to be the face of strength during times of crises. I can only imagine how exhausting it has to be, and yet, she does it with as much of smile as one could muster during family tragedies.
Mother's have an endless amount of time to give. Whether it was waking up at 5am to make sure I made it to a wrestling tournament in Kansas 5 hours away, or spending every other night at my baseball games even if she was sick. She always put me first. Why, I have no idea. It's not like I was the most respectful kid, and I surely didn't show any appreciation for anything she did for me, when I was young. But that didn't matter to her, she just kept on being my biggest fan, camcorder in hand, celebrating every win and taking losses as hard, if not harder, than I did. She was unequivocally dedicated to making sure my childhood was the best, most eventful that it could be.
It's no secret that I think the world of my mother. Of course, I have regrets that I didn't tell her that when I was younger. For whatever reason, when I was young, I took my mother for granted. Luckily, the older I've gotten the more I've come to appreciate her and all she's done for me, my sister, my dad, and the rest of my family. She's always given me hope, and deserves so much more than I'll ever be able to give her back. I can only hope that she knows, now, just what she means to me and our family. She's been a mother for 30 plus years, now, and has unconditionally given everything she has in her heart to making my life great.
So Happy Mothers Day to my mom; a beautiful, kind, loving mother who deserves all the best things in life.
Everyone say's their mom's the best mom in the world, and I'm no different. My mom has given me everything and never has she asked for anything in return. A mother in the truest sense of the word. She's always around when I need her; the one person I've been able to lean on when my life didn't make sense at all. She's one of the great ones.
Mother's have an almost super hero mental strength to them, don't they? There's no other way to explain it. Even when I've been completely crushed by events in life that shouldn't have happened, she's able to exude strength. I've seen it first hand many times in my short life, but while dealing with the deaths of my Great Grandmother and my cousin (two of my favorite people on earth) is when she proved just how much stronger she is then me. While I have no doubt that she was an emotional wreck on the inside, she was nothing if not the stabilizing force for me on the outside. It's times like the aforementioned when you really appreciate how much a mother can endure and still be standing strong. For better or worse, she's always the one that has to be the face of strength during times of crises. I can only imagine how exhausting it has to be, and yet, she does it with as much of smile as one could muster during family tragedies.
Mother's have an endless amount of time to give. Whether it was waking up at 5am to make sure I made it to a wrestling tournament in Kansas 5 hours away, or spending every other night at my baseball games even if she was sick. She always put me first. Why, I have no idea. It's not like I was the most respectful kid, and I surely didn't show any appreciation for anything she did for me, when I was young. But that didn't matter to her, she just kept on being my biggest fan, camcorder in hand, celebrating every win and taking losses as hard, if not harder, than I did. She was unequivocally dedicated to making sure my childhood was the best, most eventful that it could be.
It's no secret that I think the world of my mother. Of course, I have regrets that I didn't tell her that when I was younger. For whatever reason, when I was young, I took my mother for granted. Luckily, the older I've gotten the more I've come to appreciate her and all she's done for me, my sister, my dad, and the rest of my family. She's always given me hope, and deserves so much more than I'll ever be able to give her back. I can only hope that she knows, now, just what she means to me and our family. She's been a mother for 30 plus years, now, and has unconditionally given everything she has in her heart to making my life great.
So Happy Mothers Day to my mom; a beautiful, kind, loving mother who deserves all the best things in life.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Radio's Sleeper Hold On Good Music
It's been a little over 30 years since The Buggles let us all know that "video killed the radio star". While that might not have been completely true, there are several people putting forth a strong effort to kill radio all together. The Justin Bieber's of the world are making it unbearable to listen to anything other than my ipod. In a day and age when the digital world is making it easier for anyone to release music, you have to really search through the bad to get to the good. It's not impossible, but don't think for a second that the radio is an outlet to use in your attempt to hear anything of substance. Advertising and big biz have flooded the airwaves with the terribleness on FM stations nationwide and it's becoming laughable. Laughable because some listeners are actually buying into this "music". Laughable because several great musicians and bands go unnoticed due to lack of appreciation by the same radio stations cramming Nickleback down the listeners throats 3 times an hour.
Granted some people might like Nickleback, and that's unfortunate. Their ears have been sentenced to life without parole, and they'll continue to support the murderess noise that NB produces, regardless of any type of intervention. Poor souls. There's nothing you can do to help these people, so it's best to leave them alone. And steer clear of riding with them on long road trips; chances are, you'll end up with one less friend at the conclusion if you choose otherwise.
Why has radio become the anti-good-music establishment? It wasn't always like this. There was a time when one could flip to a station and here the likes of Sinatra, or Otis Redding, or Janis Joplin, or Bowie blaring over the speakers. Now great music has given way to Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus, The Black Eyed Peas, Lady Ga Ga, Adam Lambert, and Ke$sha. All talented in their own way, but I'd rather go all Beethoven and cut off my own ear than listen to any of the aforementioned singers or groups. They're just not good.
This radio problem isn't relegated to cars, either. It can have a drastic effect on cook outs, too. There's nothing worse than cracking a fresh beer to the sound of Justin Bieber's "Baby". Talk about fun levels plummeting. Can I really listen to this kid sing about love and romance one more time? Can I please? I get that little girls swoon over this lil dude, but somebody take the mic away, now. A marketing scheme gone wrong. Label fat cats making millions on this kid at the expense of so many peoples ears, namely mine.
Of course there's a small exception to the rule. That exception is Miley Cyrus' "Party in the USA". No matter what I say about that song, after a few too many drinks, it never fails, everyone seems to like it. I don't know why, and I'm not gonna fight it. It just wins. Congrats Miley, you remade "Tubthumbing".
I guess I'm a bit of a music snob, I'm okay with that. And I'm sure there are thousands of people that would castrate me for saying that Lady Ga Ga is absolutely terrible. I'm okay with that, too. Radio is what it is, and it isn't going to change as long as people continue to ask for "Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down. It's a shame, really. There's a lot of great music out there, but some people let the radio stations dictate what they listen to and ultimately what they end up supporting. I doubt that's what radio was intended for when it was created.
I gave up on radio years ago. You should too.
Granted some people might like Nickleback, and that's unfortunate. Their ears have been sentenced to life without parole, and they'll continue to support the murderess noise that NB produces, regardless of any type of intervention. Poor souls. There's nothing you can do to help these people, so it's best to leave them alone. And steer clear of riding with them on long road trips; chances are, you'll end up with one less friend at the conclusion if you choose otherwise.
Why has radio become the anti-good-music establishment? It wasn't always like this. There was a time when one could flip to a station and here the likes of Sinatra, or Otis Redding, or Janis Joplin, or Bowie blaring over the speakers. Now great music has given way to Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus, The Black Eyed Peas, Lady Ga Ga, Adam Lambert, and Ke$sha. All talented in their own way, but I'd rather go all Beethoven and cut off my own ear than listen to any of the aforementioned singers or groups. They're just not good.
This radio problem isn't relegated to cars, either. It can have a drastic effect on cook outs, too. There's nothing worse than cracking a fresh beer to the sound of Justin Bieber's "Baby". Talk about fun levels plummeting. Can I really listen to this kid sing about love and romance one more time? Can I please? I get that little girls swoon over this lil dude, but somebody take the mic away, now. A marketing scheme gone wrong. Label fat cats making millions on this kid at the expense of so many peoples ears, namely mine.
Of course there's a small exception to the rule. That exception is Miley Cyrus' "Party in the USA". No matter what I say about that song, after a few too many drinks, it never fails, everyone seems to like it. I don't know why, and I'm not gonna fight it. It just wins. Congrats Miley, you remade "Tubthumbing".
I guess I'm a bit of a music snob, I'm okay with that. And I'm sure there are thousands of people that would castrate me for saying that Lady Ga Ga is absolutely terrible. I'm okay with that, too. Radio is what it is, and it isn't going to change as long as people continue to ask for "Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down. It's a shame, really. There's a lot of great music out there, but some people let the radio stations dictate what they listen to and ultimately what they end up supporting. I doubt that's what radio was intended for when it was created.
I gave up on radio years ago. You should too.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Gangs of Chicago beware. The military's coming with grenades.
116 days into the new year and Chicago has been the grounds for 113 killings. Though this stat might be alarming to some, the fact is that even if this rate stayed on course throughout the entirety of this year, there would probably be less murders than in 2009. Not that I want to start this Monday out on a down note, but it struck a cord in me given the fact that some state representatives have stepped up and asked the Governor and Mayor Daley to allow the National Guard to patrol the streets of Chicago, in an attempt to quell the violence.
Now, maybe it's just me but this seems like a supremely bad idea. I know they're not talking about rolling tanks and heavy artillery down the streets in Garfield Park, but the thought of Military personnel with automatic weapons strategically taking out gang members is a bit much for me. I'm just not of the opinion that the military is the answer in this matter. In fact, I believe that it will only agitate a problem that's persisted long before I was around, and that will continue to be a problem when I'm gone. Seriously, isn't this the type of idea that starts a real inner city war?
Instead of reading the headline, "1 dead, 2 wounded after gang violence erupts in Chicago west side neighborhood", We'll be inundated with front page headlines that read, "Battle of Englewood, Day 3: Military takes out known drug dealer and 35 others with rocket propelled grenade". Of course that's a bit sensationalized, but it's not completely out of the realm of possibility that provoking the military could have similar repercussions.
What happens when those that are targeted by the city decide to target the National Guard? You can't say it wouldn't happen, and when it did, it could spark another kind of war that Chicago doesn't need to be fighting. I mean, it's not like the National Guard is going to take kindly to being shot at. I can only imagine that their training would kick in and all hell would break lose (which would be warranted in my opinion). We're talking about trained professional military men and women. No nonsense training. You shoot at me, you die. That's the reality. How about when they roll a grenade in a crack house before lighting it up from the outside with automatic machine gun rounds? That's some John Rambo-type stuff right there.
The last thing Chicago needs is for gangs to have a cause. No longer will it be about 'slingin' rocks and gettin' rich'. Rather the end goal will be for them to rid 'their' streets of National Guardsmen. I suspect that the number of killings would jump dramatically. And it won't just be gang members. The term collateral damage keeps ringing in my head.
The reality of the situation is that the number of murders have decreased dramatically since the early 90's. Back then, a person could lobby for some sort of military action and people would've listened. Today, I don't see Daley or Quinn allowing the National Guard in to the city. I can understand that people want something done about the violence in the city and maybe this was a good way to bring some heavy attention to the problem, but starting an urban war isn't the best route to take.
Now, maybe it's just me but this seems like a supremely bad idea. I know they're not talking about rolling tanks and heavy artillery down the streets in Garfield Park, but the thought of Military personnel with automatic weapons strategically taking out gang members is a bit much for me. I'm just not of the opinion that the military is the answer in this matter. In fact, I believe that it will only agitate a problem that's persisted long before I was around, and that will continue to be a problem when I'm gone. Seriously, isn't this the type of idea that starts a real inner city war?
Instead of reading the headline, "1 dead, 2 wounded after gang violence erupts in Chicago west side neighborhood", We'll be inundated with front page headlines that read, "Battle of Englewood, Day 3: Military takes out known drug dealer and 35 others with rocket propelled grenade". Of course that's a bit sensationalized, but it's not completely out of the realm of possibility that provoking the military could have similar repercussions.
What happens when those that are targeted by the city decide to target the National Guard? You can't say it wouldn't happen, and when it did, it could spark another kind of war that Chicago doesn't need to be fighting. I mean, it's not like the National Guard is going to take kindly to being shot at. I can only imagine that their training would kick in and all hell would break lose (which would be warranted in my opinion). We're talking about trained professional military men and women. No nonsense training. You shoot at me, you die. That's the reality. How about when they roll a grenade in a crack house before lighting it up from the outside with automatic machine gun rounds? That's some John Rambo-type stuff right there.
The last thing Chicago needs is for gangs to have a cause. No longer will it be about 'slingin' rocks and gettin' rich'. Rather the end goal will be for them to rid 'their' streets of National Guardsmen. I suspect that the number of killings would jump dramatically. And it won't just be gang members. The term collateral damage keeps ringing in my head.
The reality of the situation is that the number of murders have decreased dramatically since the early 90's. Back then, a person could lobby for some sort of military action and people would've listened. Today, I don't see Daley or Quinn allowing the National Guard in to the city. I can understand that people want something done about the violence in the city and maybe this was a good way to bring some heavy attention to the problem, but starting an urban war isn't the best route to take.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
The Cubbies need Lou Brown, Jobu, and Charlie Sheen
I remember back in the day when Lou Brown, once a manager for the Toledo Mud Hens, took over the Cleveland Indians, a rag tag team of talent and pushed to win the American league pennant. Of course that was in a movie, but Lou Pinnella should take some notes from the 80's gem. Why? Because his team is shitting the bed just 13 games into the season and the similarities between his team and the '89 Indians led by Lou Brown are obvious. I know it's too early to panic but the bullpen's a train wreck, our lead off man can't hit or get on base, our clean up hitter rarely touches the ball, and our ace can't get anyone out. Not to mention that Sweet Lou looks like he's simply mailing it in for the last year of his contract and already thinking about Florida and endless days of playing golf.
Zambrano came into this season a "changed" man. He dropped some weight, switched up his diet, and altered his temperament on the mound. Great, it still doesn't change the fact that his throws just as many strikes as Rick Vaughn prior to figuring out he needed glasses. How many years is he going to do this? He's supposed to be the ace. He's certainly paid like one, yet he continues to underachieve. At least Rick figured it out after a brief stint in the California Penal League. Hell, the guy went from setting a Major League record for walks in a game to being a Cy-Young contender, and he was a rookie.
Then there's Ryan Theriot. He takes over the lead off duties and all of a sudden he can't get on base. He use to slap the ball around the field, now he acts like he wants to drive the ball in the air. He's like Willie Mays Hayes minus the ability to steal a bag. I can't help but think that Lou Brown would have him bustin' out 50 push ups at a time for every ball hit in the air. It worked for Willie, so who am I to second guess. The Cubs haven't had a solid lead off man since the short time we were blessed with Kenny Lofton. What happened while he was here? Think about it. Hendry's failure to snag an established lead off hitter is going to chase him forever.
Now it's hard for me to bag on Aramis Ramirez. The dude's eventually gonna hit, but can someone sacrifice a live chicken already, or get him a Jobu doll to stick in his locker. He's barely touching the ball in the early going and his run producing is a must if the Cubs are gonna contend. Pedro Cerrano always said that bats are afraid of curve balls, but in the case of Rami this season, his bat's afraid of fastballs, too.
The bullpen. Holy baby Jesus, the bullpen is atrocious. I knew it was gonna be a problem this year but you've got to be kidding me. 2 rookies? Seriously, with the payroll the Cubs fork out, you're gonna throw two rookies in the pen? And then there's Jeff Samardjiza. Honestly, this guy doesn't need to be in the majors. His curve ball doesn't curve. His change up is something out of little league. His fastball, though fast, is constantly over the plate and big league hitters tee off this tool. I can only wish that the crafty vetter Eddie Harris was around to teach Jeff wear put the Crisco, Bardol or Vagisil. God, could another guy use an extra 2-3 inch drop on his curve ball? Let's put it this way, when he's announced as the next pitcher out of the pen, I feel like committing a crime against an old person. He's terrible. The only bright spot in the pen is Sean Marshall and Marmol. Both have been pretty good, but they can't pitch everyday. Fact is, the Cubs can't compete with the bullpen they have in place. I blame Hendry, but what could I expect from a guy that sunk the Cubs in payroll for the next 8 years.
There are no excuses for the Cubs. Sweet Lou has to win with this club. Lou Brown once told his team that he wasn't much for giving inspirational addresses, but then pointed out that every newspaper in the country had picked them to finish last. That the local press thought it'd be a good idea if they saved everyone the time and trouble and went out and shot themselves. But rather than folding up shop the team decided to hang around for a while and see if they could give 'em all a nice big shitburger to eat! And they did.
I wonder what Sweet Lou's said to his squad after 13 less than stellar games?
Zambrano came into this season a "changed" man. He dropped some weight, switched up his diet, and altered his temperament on the mound. Great, it still doesn't change the fact that his throws just as many strikes as Rick Vaughn prior to figuring out he needed glasses. How many years is he going to do this? He's supposed to be the ace. He's certainly paid like one, yet he continues to underachieve. At least Rick figured it out after a brief stint in the California Penal League. Hell, the guy went from setting a Major League record for walks in a game to being a Cy-Young contender, and he was a rookie.
Then there's Ryan Theriot. He takes over the lead off duties and all of a sudden he can't get on base. He use to slap the ball around the field, now he acts like he wants to drive the ball in the air. He's like Willie Mays Hayes minus the ability to steal a bag. I can't help but think that Lou Brown would have him bustin' out 50 push ups at a time for every ball hit in the air. It worked for Willie, so who am I to second guess. The Cubs haven't had a solid lead off man since the short time we were blessed with Kenny Lofton. What happened while he was here? Think about it. Hendry's failure to snag an established lead off hitter is going to chase him forever.
Now it's hard for me to bag on Aramis Ramirez. The dude's eventually gonna hit, but can someone sacrifice a live chicken already, or get him a Jobu doll to stick in his locker. He's barely touching the ball in the early going and his run producing is a must if the Cubs are gonna contend. Pedro Cerrano always said that bats are afraid of curve balls, but in the case of Rami this season, his bat's afraid of fastballs, too.
The bullpen. Holy baby Jesus, the bullpen is atrocious. I knew it was gonna be a problem this year but you've got to be kidding me. 2 rookies? Seriously, with the payroll the Cubs fork out, you're gonna throw two rookies in the pen? And then there's Jeff Samardjiza. Honestly, this guy doesn't need to be in the majors. His curve ball doesn't curve. His change up is something out of little league. His fastball, though fast, is constantly over the plate and big league hitters tee off this tool. I can only wish that the crafty vetter Eddie Harris was around to teach Jeff wear put the Crisco, Bardol or Vagisil. God, could another guy use an extra 2-3 inch drop on his curve ball? Let's put it this way, when he's announced as the next pitcher out of the pen, I feel like committing a crime against an old person. He's terrible. The only bright spot in the pen is Sean Marshall and Marmol. Both have been pretty good, but they can't pitch everyday. Fact is, the Cubs can't compete with the bullpen they have in place. I blame Hendry, but what could I expect from a guy that sunk the Cubs in payroll for the next 8 years.
There are no excuses for the Cubs. Sweet Lou has to win with this club. Lou Brown once told his team that he wasn't much for giving inspirational addresses, but then pointed out that every newspaper in the country had picked them to finish last. That the local press thought it'd be a good idea if they saved everyone the time and trouble and went out and shot themselves. But rather than folding up shop the team decided to hang around for a while and see if they could give 'em all a nice big shitburger to eat! And they did.
I wonder what Sweet Lou's said to his squad after 13 less than stellar games?
Friday, April 16, 2010
How to catch a predator: Catholic Priest edition
So Pope Benedict XVI finally said something about the latest clerical abuse scandal saying the he thinks the "church" is under attack. Yep, the church is under attack, got it. Not the little kids that keep getting molested by Catholic priests. Nope, it's the "church" that's being wrongly attacked. Is this guy serious? It's really getting old listening to everyone defend these guys. I could care less that the Catholic church is catching a bad rap for all the child fondling priests. To me it's the churches fault it's gone on this long and its got what's coming its way. They continue to turn a blind eye to a problem that could be solved by a simple bullet to the head to most of these guys. I have no sympathy for pedophiles, nor do I think they deserve a second chance. That's just me. Now the Pope says, "we Christians" should repent for sins and recognize mistakes. That's all good but I've got a different outlook on what you do with pedophiles. I say, cut off their balls; wearing the cloak and hiding behind the doors of the Catholic institution shouldn't be tolerated any longer. Am I being harsh, Catholics might say so, but they've been ducking this problem for far too many years. Does the Pope actually believe these destroyers of child purity deserve anything other than to burn in hell? Is it a fixable problem, sure, but it takes a little more effort than what the Vatican is willing to provide. It's for that reason that the Catholic church and its followers will continue to face ridicule.
A few laws I think that we could put in place to curb the Catholic Priests appetite for children:
1. Priests aren't allowed to watch the Disney Channel.
2. Priests aren't allowed to hold Harry Potter costume parties for any reason.
3. Priests aren't allowed within 500 feet of Chuck 'E Cheeses.
4. Priests aren't allowed to have juice boxes in their personal fridges at the church.
5. Priests aren't allowed to drive mini vans, or, for whatever reason, ice cream trucks.
6. Alter boy self defense classes must be offered at every Catholic church.
That'd be a good start. Of course not all priests are part of the cult of heavy petting, and they should be commended. It's just tough not to generalize these days with the lack of institutional control being shown by the ol' Pope and his crew. I'm sure there's some second guessing going on at each church, at least a little.
A few laws I think that we could put in place to curb the Catholic Priests appetite for children:
1. Priests aren't allowed to watch the Disney Channel.
2. Priests aren't allowed to hold Harry Potter costume parties for any reason.
3. Priests aren't allowed within 500 feet of Chuck 'E Cheeses.
4. Priests aren't allowed to have juice boxes in their personal fridges at the church.
5. Priests aren't allowed to drive mini vans, or, for whatever reason, ice cream trucks.
6. Alter boy self defense classes must be offered at every Catholic church.
That'd be a good start. Of course not all priests are part of the cult of heavy petting, and they should be commended. It's just tough not to generalize these days with the lack of institutional control being shown by the ol' Pope and his crew. I'm sure there's some second guessing going on at each church, at least a little.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Pogo Balls can save the world.
I miss pogo balls. If you don’t know what a pogo ball is, then you obviously didn’t enjoy the mid-80’s as a kid. I did, however, and that toy was one of the most important items I owned as a little Shaun. Pogo ball is watcha call it, hop ‘n a bop ‘n everywhere… I remember the commercial like it was yesterday. More importantly, I remember the pogo battles that ensued at bus stops neighborhood-wide, and the playground wars. Serious business. You wanna talk about ridicule, go ask the kid that only bounced stationary in one spot, who couldn’t kick flip his PB, how much he liked waiting for the bus in the morning. It just wasn’t enough to own a pogo ball, it wasn’t enough to be able to bounce up and down. No, you had to know how to spin start it, the jump grab (front and back); you needed to be extreme. It was a daily grind keeping up on all the new tricks; practicing on the trampoline, perfecting your next move before wowing the crowd while the sipped their juice boxes. Chicks were lining up to share their Lunchables.
What’s not to love about pogo balls, or the 80’s for that matter? Great movies, Nintendo was released, John Cusack was on top of the world. These were the best days of our lives, people. I mean, will there ever be a time when I can wear a flat top mullet, again, without facing certain verbal (and probably physical) abuse? I don’t think so. And I loved that haircut, mom, so don’t beat yourself up about making me keep it until I was in high school. All bad haircuts aside, the 80’s gave us so much. I long for movies that offer up frontal nudity for no other reason than just to say, hey, here’s some boob for ya, enjoy. Seeing Demi Moore nude in "About Last Night" changed my life as a young dude, but there wasn't a real need to add that into the movie. It was as if the director said, "Demi, how about a little nakedness? You know, for the kids?". 80's movies alone could be discussed for hours on end, they're that good.
I miss the days when this number 007 373 5963 meant you were a complete wizard on Mike Tyson’s Punch Out. To beat Mike Tyson was to rule the neighborhood; a great testament to your skill level and it added to your overall coolness status as a pre-pubescent boy. Also, the street cred you could earn by beating the Goonies game back then, damn. That game was impossible and I'm still ashamed to say that I couldn't beat it without the Game Genie.
I love the fact that back in the day, I could wake up on a Saturday morning with a completely awesome cartoon line up ready to start. A bowl of Fruity Pebbles and blanket and I was set for, like, at least 3 hours. Thank God I missed the educational cartoon era. Kids are getting hosed on that deal. Instead of learning to spell, I was learning how to defeat an evil anti freedom army lead by a masked villain. Thank you Joes. Thundercats was a dominate cartoon, also. Who didn't want the Sword of Omen's? I mean really. Hell, I wanted site beyond site, too. I waited 30 minutes every episode just to hear "Thunder Thunder Thunder Thundercats Hoooooooo!". That's how cool cartoons were back in the 80's. They were awesome.
Who's gonna argue with me on this. It was definitely the best decade to live as a kid. Yeah, the 80’s were killer.
What’s not to love about pogo balls, or the 80’s for that matter? Great movies, Nintendo was released, John Cusack was on top of the world. These were the best days of our lives, people. I mean, will there ever be a time when I can wear a flat top mullet, again, without facing certain verbal (and probably physical) abuse? I don’t think so. And I loved that haircut, mom, so don’t beat yourself up about making me keep it until I was in high school. All bad haircuts aside, the 80’s gave us so much. I long for movies that offer up frontal nudity for no other reason than just to say, hey, here’s some boob for ya, enjoy. Seeing Demi Moore nude in "About Last Night" changed my life as a young dude, but there wasn't a real need to add that into the movie. It was as if the director said, "Demi, how about a little nakedness? You know, for the kids?". 80's movies alone could be discussed for hours on end, they're that good.
I miss the days when this number 007 373 5963 meant you were a complete wizard on Mike Tyson’s Punch Out. To beat Mike Tyson was to rule the neighborhood; a great testament to your skill level and it added to your overall coolness status as a pre-pubescent boy. Also, the street cred you could earn by beating the Goonies game back then, damn. That game was impossible and I'm still ashamed to say that I couldn't beat it without the Game Genie.
I love the fact that back in the day, I could wake up on a Saturday morning with a completely awesome cartoon line up ready to start. A bowl of Fruity Pebbles and blanket and I was set for, like, at least 3 hours. Thank God I missed the educational cartoon era. Kids are getting hosed on that deal. Instead of learning to spell, I was learning how to defeat an evil anti freedom army lead by a masked villain. Thank you Joes. Thundercats was a dominate cartoon, also. Who didn't want the Sword of Omen's? I mean really. Hell, I wanted site beyond site, too. I waited 30 minutes every episode just to hear "Thunder Thunder Thunder Thundercats Hoooooooo!". That's how cool cartoons were back in the 80's. They were awesome.
Who's gonna argue with me on this. It was definitely the best decade to live as a kid. Yeah, the 80’s were killer.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Just get in the elevator already.
Can we talk a bit about Elevator etiquette? Okay, here's the deal, when entering and exiting an elevator the rules are different than those when you're dealing with a door (car or building). What do I mean? Well, I'm not sure how it is in most high rise buildings but in mine the elevators are on strict orders to only allow one moving car at a time, even though there are 6 supposedly operating. In the mornings there are always a few dozen of us waiting for a ride up to our differing floors and in no way can we all fit in one car. While waiting I keep to myself, usually with coffee, staring blindly at the floor even though someone from my office is 4 people away. It's not that I dislike the person, but I'd rather ease into the day, instead of hearing a recap of last nights American Idol. Who wants to talk in a full elevator anyway? Everyone unintentionally eves dropping on my conversation, not that they have a choice. Me trying to low talk to my co-worker in an attempt to steer clear of the others hearing space. It's a trying situation. And I love the cell phone people, "...hey, yeah, no yeah. Yeah, hey, hey, hey. Seriously, right?. Hey, I'm on the elevator so if I lose ya, I'll call ya back, okay?". No way that call is that important. And are we done with the blue-tooth ear pieces, yet?
Anyway, so we wait. Finally the time comes to board. Now this is when things get smokey. I'm on the 17th floor (the highest floor that these elevators go) so I'm going to get on the elevator first, right? That's certainly what I was thinking. But no, instead we're gonna let the people on the 1st-4th floors on first because they're female. See where I'm going with this? How does this make sense? Now we're jammed into this tiny area--I'm in front--and every time the door opens I exit to let people off. It certainly seems like a situation we could've avoided, no? If that's not bad enough, I also have a hard time comprehending why a person that could easily exit the elevator, clearing the way for others, instead decides to step to the side and let the women off first. I'm all for chivalry but this is a bit extreme. Just get off. They're right behind ya, dude. I can promise you that neither I or any other person in that elevator is going to judge you. You're still a nice person if you tear out of there with blatant disregard as to what happens to the remaining 3 girls getting off on your floor. We'll make sure they don't get stuck.
On a side note, is there a more uncomfortable situation than riding up and down in an elevator with someone you don't know? My God, it's almost unbearable. I find myself trying to guess which floor they'll get off on so I can finally relax. It's so awkward. Even worse when it's someone that works on my floor because I sometimes try and converse with this person. And by converse I mean give a simple nod and a "hey, how's it going?" Completely rhetorical and they know that. Jesus, I didn't know 17 floors could take so long.
Anyway, so we wait. Finally the time comes to board. Now this is when things get smokey. I'm on the 17th floor (the highest floor that these elevators go) so I'm going to get on the elevator first, right? That's certainly what I was thinking. But no, instead we're gonna let the people on the 1st-4th floors on first because they're female. See where I'm going with this? How does this make sense? Now we're jammed into this tiny area--I'm in front--and every time the door opens I exit to let people off. It certainly seems like a situation we could've avoided, no? If that's not bad enough, I also have a hard time comprehending why a person that could easily exit the elevator, clearing the way for others, instead decides to step to the side and let the women off first. I'm all for chivalry but this is a bit extreme. Just get off. They're right behind ya, dude. I can promise you that neither I or any other person in that elevator is going to judge you. You're still a nice person if you tear out of there with blatant disregard as to what happens to the remaining 3 girls getting off on your floor. We'll make sure they don't get stuck.
On a side note, is there a more uncomfortable situation than riding up and down in an elevator with someone you don't know? My God, it's almost unbearable. I find myself trying to guess which floor they'll get off on so I can finally relax. It's so awkward. Even worse when it's someone that works on my floor because I sometimes try and converse with this person. And by converse I mean give a simple nod and a "hey, how's it going?" Completely rhetorical and they know that. Jesus, I didn't know 17 floors could take so long.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Sarah Palin Going Rogue On Chicago
So Sarah Palin's coming to speak in Chicago. That's right, the "strongest voice in the conservative party" at the moment is coming to speech it up to her loyal followers. About what, I have no idea, but I'd love to be there. This woman is comedy gold, people. Of course I laugh at her and not with her, but hey, she does it to herself. I'm sure the speaking engagement will cover everything from her take on foreign policy (God help us) to her husbands latest hunting trip at which time he, "slayed that giant moose like we're gonna do Obama's failed health care plan"--add Palin wink and classic head nod. Oh that crowd is gonna eat it up.
One thing she probably won't bring up is sex education. Speaking of her daughter, I hear she's "revisiting abstinence". Little late for that, isn't it? Seriously, this seems to be a new fad for people to hear about and reject instantly. Folks out there are "reclaiming their virginity". Do you have to call the girl or guy that took it, first, to get it back? Are there steps to reclaiming your virginity, kinda like when battling alcoholism? Pretty sure virginity is a one time thing. You can't can't be "born again virgin", or "made pure again", either. How would that work? Do I have to renounce my non-virgin penis and bathe it in holy water? Is there some sort of animal sacrifice that needs to be carried out? Can I get a "pure again" kit on the Internet? I'm sorry, I just don't see the need for ridiculous labels. If you don't wanna have sex, fine, but stop with the over-the-top characterizations of the event.
Anyway, back to Palin. Is there really any reason, any reason at all, for her to be touring? Didn't she do enough talking when she was killing John McCain's final chance at becoming President? I figured that by this point she'd be making special appearances on WWE Monday Night Raw, body slamming the latest Iron Sheik-type character. Or "going rogue" somewhere. And yet there is still speculation that she might run for President in 2012. I hear Toronto is a beautiful city to live in.
One thing she probably won't bring up is sex education. Speaking of her daughter, I hear she's "revisiting abstinence". Little late for that, isn't it? Seriously, this seems to be a new fad for people to hear about and reject instantly. Folks out there are "reclaiming their virginity". Do you have to call the girl or guy that took it, first, to get it back? Are there steps to reclaiming your virginity, kinda like when battling alcoholism? Pretty sure virginity is a one time thing. You can't can't be "born again virgin", or "made pure again", either. How would that work? Do I have to renounce my non-virgin penis and bathe it in holy water? Is there some sort of animal sacrifice that needs to be carried out? Can I get a "pure again" kit on the Internet? I'm sorry, I just don't see the need for ridiculous labels. If you don't wanna have sex, fine, but stop with the over-the-top characterizations of the event.
Anyway, back to Palin. Is there really any reason, any reason at all, for her to be touring? Didn't she do enough talking when she was killing John McCain's final chance at becoming President? I figured that by this point she'd be making special appearances on WWE Monday Night Raw, body slamming the latest Iron Sheik-type character. Or "going rogue" somewhere. And yet there is still speculation that she might run for President in 2012. I hear Toronto is a beautiful city to live in.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Girls In Tuxedos Stay Away From Mississippi
A high school prom was canceled in Jackson, Mississippi because a girl wanted to wear a tuxedo and bring her girlfriend. You can't make this stuff up. You have to really think on this because the story, at least to me, isn't about a girl whom wanted to wear a tuxedo. It's not about a high school senior being a lesbian. To me, it's about the location where this story is taking place. My God in heaven can you imagine what the rednecks in Mississippi are thinking when they hear that a girl wants to date another girl?
"She wanna what? Take a girlfriend to prom? That just ain't right. Why don't she wanna wear a dress? Girls got no business wearin' a tuxedo, huggin' on another girl. It ain't Christian. And they they can spread they sin on the rest them keeeds. Don't they know that? Just aint' right. Get the bible, we goin' that girls house to save 'er. Lord I hope it ain't too late."
I'm sure someone said something close to that during a recent discussion about the situation, down in Mississippi.
Now, I'm not from Mississippi but I'd take a guess that there are more 6 year old children with shotguns and double digit animal kills than there are lesbians around there. You have to wonder what it's like for the 2 girls that are no doubt being blamed for the cancellation of such an overrated experience as Prom. Talk about being on an secluded island. Threats must be runnin' wild. Screams of, "We hate you", to, "Why don't you go live in another state, like Memphis?", are probably thrown around daily. The school board members are the real losers in all of this. Seriously, why should they care if the girl wants to wear a tuxedo? It's one night, held in a barn, gym, or the local Double Tree Hotel. Most of the kids will be too drunk to care anyway. If the board wanted to make a statement announcing that they hated gays, they could've banned "Macho Man" or "I'm Too Sexy" or "YMCA" from the playlist at prom. Instead they resort to hiding behind their religious beliefs and create a drama that Soap Opera writers would be proud of. Now they've lined up the 2 girls to be verbally stoned each day at school because "they" ruined prom.
Congrats adults.
I'm sure there's one mother (a former prom queen and shell of her former self) whom has led the charge against the powerful lesbian insurgents. I've met this "woman", as I'm sure many of you have. She trains her daughter in the art of persecution. Her little girl ends up building her popularity on the foundation of promiscuity and everyone knows it but her. She meddles in everyone's business, nosing around to scrape together the latest dirt on high school kids. She acts like she's been charge by Yahweh himself to find and destroy all that she deems unholy. She has friends, but they all hate her secretly. A sad, wretched woman. If this describes you or your mom, that's a bummer. Tough way to find out you're terrible at life.
Look, I'm not an advocate for or against the gay community. I could care less. But I love hearing about stuff just like this. With so many problems in the world, something as insignificant as a girl in a tuxedo can really cause such a uproar? It's amazing. Let it go already. I guess it wouldn't be Mississippi if they weren't persecuting someone.
There is, however, a silver lining in the decision to cancel prom; at least it takes away a prime opportunity for dumb redneck seniors to conceive more dumb redneck babies.
"She wanna what? Take a girlfriend to prom? That just ain't right. Why don't she wanna wear a dress? Girls got no business wearin' a tuxedo, huggin' on another girl. It ain't Christian. And they they can spread they sin on the rest them keeeds. Don't they know that? Just aint' right. Get the bible, we goin' that girls house to save 'er. Lord I hope it ain't too late."
I'm sure someone said something close to that during a recent discussion about the situation, down in Mississippi.
Now, I'm not from Mississippi but I'd take a guess that there are more 6 year old children with shotguns and double digit animal kills than there are lesbians around there. You have to wonder what it's like for the 2 girls that are no doubt being blamed for the cancellation of such an overrated experience as Prom. Talk about being on an secluded island. Threats must be runnin' wild. Screams of, "We hate you", to, "Why don't you go live in another state, like Memphis?", are probably thrown around daily. The school board members are the real losers in all of this. Seriously, why should they care if the girl wants to wear a tuxedo? It's one night, held in a barn, gym, or the local Double Tree Hotel. Most of the kids will be too drunk to care anyway. If the board wanted to make a statement announcing that they hated gays, they could've banned "Macho Man" or "I'm Too Sexy" or "YMCA" from the playlist at prom. Instead they resort to hiding behind their religious beliefs and create a drama that Soap Opera writers would be proud of. Now they've lined up the 2 girls to be verbally stoned each day at school because "they" ruined prom.
Congrats adults.
I'm sure there's one mother (a former prom queen and shell of her former self) whom has led the charge against the powerful lesbian insurgents. I've met this "woman", as I'm sure many of you have. She trains her daughter in the art of persecution. Her little girl ends up building her popularity on the foundation of promiscuity and everyone knows it but her. She meddles in everyone's business, nosing around to scrape together the latest dirt on high school kids. She acts like she's been charge by Yahweh himself to find and destroy all that she deems unholy. She has friends, but they all hate her secretly. A sad, wretched woman. If this describes you or your mom, that's a bummer. Tough way to find out you're terrible at life.
Look, I'm not an advocate for or against the gay community. I could care less. But I love hearing about stuff just like this. With so many problems in the world, something as insignificant as a girl in a tuxedo can really cause such a uproar? It's amazing. Let it go already. I guess it wouldn't be Mississippi if they weren't persecuting someone.
There is, however, a silver lining in the decision to cancel prom; at least it takes away a prime opportunity for dumb redneck seniors to conceive more dumb redneck babies.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Doctor, I might be a doctor, too.
I've decided that I never have to go to the doctors office, again. No need for me to spring for the $20 co-pay. No need to read 9 month old US Weekly magazines in the waiting room for 15 minutes. No need to sit on the examination bed, counting throat swabs while waiting an additional 8 minutes for the Doc to come talk to me. Nope, I'm done because I found www.WebMD.com -- the only place that I can figure out just what exactly the neon green, superglue sticky-like substance that I hack on the sidewalks really is.
I dipped that last paragraph in heavy, heavy sarcasm if you couldn't tell.
The truth is, WebMD.com is terrible. This website is worse than free porn sites, or foxnews.com. Thanks to the wonderful people who brought us this medical marvel of a site, we now have millions of wanna-be doctors, self diagnosing themselves with everything from a common sinus infection to cancer. Now I'm not gonna make light of cancer, but I'm being serious when I say that cancer seems to pop up in every search results field after you plug in any symptoms you may have.
Case and point, I once had a serious problem with my stomach. Not to get all in-depth about it, but I ate some bad lettuce or something at a restaurant and ended up with the "runs" for, like, 7 days. It's like I spent a night drinking Mexico tap water with a splash of Mexico well water, on the rocks of course. Speaking of "the runs", why the hell are they called that? You can't run. Hell, you can't stride further than 3 inches at a time without putting your pant legs in serious jeopardy. But I digress. So I needed answers and I put in my symptoms on WebMD.com and boom, on the list of possibilities was cancer. What? Mass hysteria. I instantly picked up the phone, scheduled an appointment, and was in the Docs office that day.
When I told her what was up (which was an odd conversation) and then told her I feared that there could be several things wrong with me, even the possibility of cancer, she asked me what I was talking about. I said, "I was doing some checking on WebMD.com and....". She cut me off with, "Listen homey, I went to school for a few years to become a doctor. You get what I'm saying? Stop with the bullshit." Smart lady.
Turns out I don't know anything about being a doctor. Neither does www.WebMD.com
I dipped that last paragraph in heavy, heavy sarcasm if you couldn't tell.
The truth is, WebMD.com is terrible. This website is worse than free porn sites, or foxnews.com. Thanks to the wonderful people who brought us this medical marvel of a site, we now have millions of wanna-be doctors, self diagnosing themselves with everything from a common sinus infection to cancer. Now I'm not gonna make light of cancer, but I'm being serious when I say that cancer seems to pop up in every search results field after you plug in any symptoms you may have.
Case and point, I once had a serious problem with my stomach. Not to get all in-depth about it, but I ate some bad lettuce or something at a restaurant and ended up with the "runs" for, like, 7 days. It's like I spent a night drinking Mexico tap water with a splash of Mexico well water, on the rocks of course. Speaking of "the runs", why the hell are they called that? You can't run. Hell, you can't stride further than 3 inches at a time without putting your pant legs in serious jeopardy. But I digress. So I needed answers and I put in my symptoms on WebMD.com and boom, on the list of possibilities was cancer. What? Mass hysteria. I instantly picked up the phone, scheduled an appointment, and was in the Docs office that day.
When I told her what was up (which was an odd conversation) and then told her I feared that there could be several things wrong with me, even the possibility of cancer, she asked me what I was talking about. I said, "I was doing some checking on WebMD.com and....". She cut me off with, "Listen homey, I went to school for a few years to become a doctor. You get what I'm saying? Stop with the bullshit." Smart lady.
Turns out I don't know anything about being a doctor. Neither does www.WebMD.com
Friday, February 19, 2010
Me and my Man Uggs takin' on the World
Man Uggs, I love 'em. Say what you want, call me whatever, but mUggs are where it's at. It's freezing in Chicago, there's snow on the ground constantly, and my feet are oblivious to these facts now that they are comfortably surrounded by sheep wool, encased in weather resistant leather. Yep, my dogs are warm. Now, there is one small issue with my mUggs and that's the smell. Not gonna lie, my feet smell like curdled milk after I wear 'em, but I can deal. You see, you're not supposed to wear socks with these things and amazingly enough, your feet sweat while snug in comfort. They actually sweat. Odd, given that it's usually, at least, 20 degrees outside. So, for the record, face experiencing sharp razor slices of pain due to negative wind chills, feet awesome....but sweaty. But back to the smell. Not good. Repulsive. 12 day old egg salad in Tupperware left in a car during the summer hot spells in Houston, Texas would smell better. It's not like I neglect my feet of soap and water, I'm a habitual foot washer. I need answers. How can I rid my mUggs of this stench?
God forbid I wear these things to someones house event and they ask for people to remove footwear. I can only imagine the response. Finger foods would be wasted due to loss of appetite. Non-smoking guest would be forced to enter the smoke circles outside as a form of refuge. A massive witch hunt for the smell would undoubtedly begin and by the time it finished, it'd result in several unfriendings of me on Facebook. Devastating. But a small price to pay for the comfort my mUggs provide.
Of course I could be overreacting about the smell. Stick your nose in or around my mUggs and find out for yourself. Being that I have a cold, right now, and can't smell a thing works out beautifully. But I like to think it's less of a cold, and more of a rebellious act on the part of my nose. A vacation. A sabbatical from smell persecution. What the hell am I talking about?
Anyway, I guess I could've just said, mUggs: For dudes that love feet that aren't frozen.
God forbid I wear these things to someones house event and they ask for people to remove footwear. I can only imagine the response. Finger foods would be wasted due to loss of appetite. Non-smoking guest would be forced to enter the smoke circles outside as a form of refuge. A massive witch hunt for the smell would undoubtedly begin and by the time it finished, it'd result in several unfriendings of me on Facebook. Devastating. But a small price to pay for the comfort my mUggs provide.
Of course I could be overreacting about the smell. Stick your nose in or around my mUggs and find out for yourself. Being that I have a cold, right now, and can't smell a thing works out beautifully. But I like to think it's less of a cold, and more of a rebellious act on the part of my nose. A vacation. A sabbatical from smell persecution. What the hell am I talking about?
Anyway, I guess I could've just said, mUggs: For dudes that love feet that aren't frozen.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Hi Supercuts? Yeah, my hair hates you.
Thank you Supercuts. The recent haircut I was blessed with at one of your many chains was inspiring. It's inspired me to learn to cut hair so my head never has to endure the butchering it received, yesterday. It can't be too hard to learn, can it? I mean, I'm sure I can learn most of what I'll need to know from youtube videos, and the rest I'll pick up on that new show Shear Genius, or whatever it's called. Then I'll be ready to jack up my own head. Why should I pay $25 every 3 weeks, when I can run jagged lines around my own neck? Or weedwack around my ears? Yeah, I think I'll give it a go.
Supercuts, do you employ every former kid that couldn't color in between the lines? The kid that couldn't understand a 1/2 inch from 3? The kid that put paste in other kids hair? Do you stand outside of legitimate beauty colleges and swoop in on the flunkies? It'd be hard for you to convince me otherwise.
I bet you post ads on craiglist that read something like:
"Seeking human being with hands. Must have the ability to ignore customer requests. A lack of attention to detail is a plus.
If interested please walk to nearest Supercuts and pick up scissors."
Here's a little advice: If you've ever wanted to shave your head, but are slightly hesitant and need a push over the edge, google Supercuts, locate your nearest store, walk in and say, "Just take a little off the tops and around the ears". 20 minutes later you'll look like Lloyd Christmas and have no choice but to treat yourself to a buzz cut that Jarheads would be envious of. Yep, solid operation that Supercuts.
Supercuts, do you employ every former kid that couldn't color in between the lines? The kid that couldn't understand a 1/2 inch from 3? The kid that put paste in other kids hair? Do you stand outside of legitimate beauty colleges and swoop in on the flunkies? It'd be hard for you to convince me otherwise.
I bet you post ads on craiglist that read something like:
"Seeking human being with hands. Must have the ability to ignore customer requests. A lack of attention to detail is a plus.
If interested please walk to nearest Supercuts and pick up scissors."
Here's a little advice: If you've ever wanted to shave your head, but are slightly hesitant and need a push over the edge, google Supercuts, locate your nearest store, walk in and say, "Just take a little off the tops and around the ears". 20 minutes later you'll look like Lloyd Christmas and have no choice but to treat yourself to a buzz cut that Jarheads would be envious of. Yep, solid operation that Supercuts.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Mr. President, enjoy your holiday
So it's Presidents Day. Does Obama get presents, today? Seriously. I mean, it is "his" day, right? Dude's the Don of America. I'd like to think Ol' B-rack woke up this morning, rolled out of bed to find a stack of presents, all wrapped in presidential logo-style paper. Most likely he'd get an assortment of blue and red ties from everyone. Sean Hannity would know doubt use this opportunity to send BO a card thanking him for destroying America. After present time, I'm sure Barrack was pampered royalty-style (think Eddie Murphy in Coming to America). Joe Biden brushed his teeth. Hillary as a wiper. Rahm, Gates, and Salazar throwing rose petals at his feet. I can only dream.
Does the guy get President's day off? I sure as hell don't. But I would have to think BO does. If he does, in fact, take the day off, can other countries leaders get a hold of him? Or is there an away message on his voicemail: "In observance of Presidents Day, I will not be working on anything, today. If this is a nuclear resolution issue and requires immediate assistance, please press #2 now and you'll be transferred to Joe Biden". So many holes to this holiday. And it's obvious that Hallmark has missed its chance to saturate the already delightfully awful card market.
I guess I'll never know what Mr. President's up to. I can only hope...
Does the guy get President's day off? I sure as hell don't. But I would have to think BO does. If he does, in fact, take the day off, can other countries leaders get a hold of him? Or is there an away message on his voicemail: "In observance of Presidents Day, I will not be working on anything, today. If this is a nuclear resolution issue and requires immediate assistance, please press #2 now and you'll be transferred to Joe Biden". So many holes to this holiday. And it's obvious that Hallmark has missed its chance to saturate the already delightfully awful card market.
I guess I'll never know what Mr. President's up to. I can only hope...
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Strugglin' with automatic flushes
I have a huge problem with toilets that flush automatically. Let me clarify. I have a problem with the toilets that I sit on that flush automatically. I can't take it anymore. Now I don't wanna get all poop-talk on everyone, but there's no way around it when discussing these damn things. I'm sittin' there and without warning, in mid session, these modern day porcelain assault machines flush and, in turn, splash dirty, unsanitary toilet water all over my good area like a malfunctioning bidet. It's disgusting. Some might argue it's a small price to pay for automatic courtesy flushes. But the reality is, I don't trust that water, and I sure as hell don't want it anywhere near my body. It's bad enough that I'm in a public bathroom, sittin' next to stall buddy who hammered down Taco Bell and a 12 pack the night before. I don't need the stress of splashing waste water. I'm on edge, counting the seconds between flushes, trying to time it so I can initiate hover mode as a diversionary method. Technology has stolen my peacefulness in the bathroom.
Thanks a lot guy who never flushed. This is your fault. Was it that hard to pull a silver handle?
Thanks a lot guy who never flushed. This is your fault. Was it that hard to pull a silver handle?
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Will you accept this rose... made of razor blades?
You know that feeling you get when Julia Roberts say's to Hugh Grant, "I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her?" in Notting Hill? You know that, I wanna punch someone for making me watch this stupid movie-feeling? Well that's how I feel when I have to watch, listen, or be reminded of the TV show "The Bachelor". Women say it's mindless entertainment, right? But it's more than that. Take this years show; the dude's a complete moron. I was forced to watch the latest episode during my lunch break (the GF was knee deep in the drama, hording the flat screen) so I've earned the right to completely destroy this gym-class flunky.
1) The guy was obviously an underachiever in the female dept before this show. He's about as interesting as a Q-tip covered in earwax. Lame encapsulates him.
2)He's waaaaaaaay too emotional for a guy. Maybe he's secretly interested in other erotic avenues; time will tell.
3) He tells every chick that he's falling in love with them? If the guy were out to hammer each of 'em, then kudos on the strategy. But he's not. He's bullshitting for the the sake of WHAT?
4) Probably the biggest problem I have with the guy is that he comes off like the type of guy that tells another dude's girlfriend that she's too good for him. A serious accusation by me, yes, but he fits the bill.
If you watch this show, do I think it's the biggest waste of time? Yes. Do I think supporting the dipshits that seek out love on a television show is absolutely stupid? Yes. But I'm sure I'll watch another episode b/c I'm a decent guy who'll sit through it with my GF. And the whole time I'll be wishing I was watching Steven Seagal: Lawman...because he's a bad ass.
1) The guy was obviously an underachiever in the female dept before this show. He's about as interesting as a Q-tip covered in earwax. Lame encapsulates him.
2)He's waaaaaaaay too emotional for a guy. Maybe he's secretly interested in other erotic avenues; time will tell.
3) He tells every chick that he's falling in love with them? If the guy were out to hammer each of 'em, then kudos on the strategy. But he's not. He's bullshitting for the the sake of WHAT?
4) Probably the biggest problem I have with the guy is that he comes off like the type of guy that tells another dude's girlfriend that she's too good for him. A serious accusation by me, yes, but he fits the bill.
If you watch this show, do I think it's the biggest waste of time? Yes. Do I think supporting the dipshits that seek out love on a television show is absolutely stupid? Yes. But I'm sure I'll watch another episode b/c I'm a decent guy who'll sit through it with my GF. And the whole time I'll be wishing I was watching Steven Seagal: Lawman...because he's a bad ass.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Sidewalks: A daily battle
Every single time I walk around the city of Chicago, I always seem to find myself in the same situation. Some dude is walking straight towards me, like he's on a mission from God. He shows no sign of making a move to walk around me, and I don't exactly feel compelled to deter from my line, either. Before we go on, it should be noted that historically I've been a "shoulder turner". Mainly to balance out the number of "anti-turners" in the city. On this day, however, I wasn't budging. Like the Titanic heading towards an ice berg, I'm full steam ahead.
So the dilemma was born.
He might've been thinking it, I sure as hell was: "This dude's not gonna go around. He's gonna keep, yep, he's just walkin' right at me. Doesn't he see the rest of the sidewalk? Go around dude. Come on. Just...we're gonna hit!"
Of course, our shoulders crash and we each mechanically offer an apology. But here's the thing, I'm not sorry. There was plenty of room for Johnny shoulder banger to navigate and he easily could've walked around me. I, on the other hand, had zero room to move because there was someone walking next to me. What, am I suppose to hit the breaks, stand there, and let this wanna-be Olympic speed walker pass? Come onnnnn. Dude was leakin' on a fire hydrant, he was bangin' his chest, trying to establish himself as the sidewalk champion. Not this day, no. I wasn't having it. My only regret is how I handled the aftermath. Why offer an empty apology? Soooo.....
Next time you find yourself on a collision course with a similar shoulder, I say stand your ground, don't turn, don't give way to enemy shoulders. Walk straight. And when he or she offers an apology, give a creepy eye, nod your head a bit, and say "I win". Maybe even show 'em your bicep.
Void advice if situation involves one of the following:
1. Gang members
2. A crazy bum (it's not worth it and you'll smell like shit afterwards)
3. Old ladies - unless you're feelin' real salty
So the dilemma was born.
He might've been thinking it, I sure as hell was: "This dude's not gonna go around. He's gonna keep, yep, he's just walkin' right at me. Doesn't he see the rest of the sidewalk? Go around dude. Come on. Just...we're gonna hit!"
Of course, our shoulders crash and we each mechanically offer an apology. But here's the thing, I'm not sorry. There was plenty of room for Johnny shoulder banger to navigate and he easily could've walked around me. I, on the other hand, had zero room to move because there was someone walking next to me. What, am I suppose to hit the breaks, stand there, and let this wanna-be Olympic speed walker pass? Come onnnnn. Dude was leakin' on a fire hydrant, he was bangin' his chest, trying to establish himself as the sidewalk champion. Not this day, no. I wasn't having it. My only regret is how I handled the aftermath. Why offer an empty apology? Soooo.....
Next time you find yourself on a collision course with a similar shoulder, I say stand your ground, don't turn, don't give way to enemy shoulders. Walk straight. And when he or she offers an apology, give a creepy eye, nod your head a bit, and say "I win". Maybe even show 'em your bicep.
Void advice if situation involves one of the following:
1. Gang members
2. A crazy bum (it's not worth it and you'll smell like shit afterwards)
3. Old ladies - unless you're feelin' real salty
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Your thoughts? No thanks.
Wednesday's are generally a terrible night for television so I knew I'd be forced to watch her shows, American Idol and the dreaded Millionaire Match Maker (tivo'd from last night). I know I've already mentioned the "Millionaire" show but it's worth repeating; this is the dumbest show on television and it infuriates me to know end. Last nights episode recap: 42 year old woman millionaire without the possibility of a natural facial expression due to all the botox injections needs help curbing her appetite for 20-something year old Abercrombie look-a-likes that spend all her money. Lord take me, I give up. A mercy killing is in order.
Moving on, 'Idol' had its normal batch of mommy-said-I-can-sing jokesters lining up to entertain me. It's actually becoming a guilty pleasure of mine. With the exception of "Yo dog, you pitchy", Randy what's-his-name, it's a decent show.
The best thing about last night? I got to talk about furniture with Michelle for, like, an hour and a half. It was awesome. Why do girls insist on bringing up subjects like this to dudes? I'd rather discuss the WNBA. She shows me a piece of furniture, ask me if I like it. "Do you like this one better? What about this one?" To her credit we talked about adding a 32 in LCD flat screen in the bedroom. That's how she roped me in. Then she flipped the shit on me, and when I came to, I was picking between a round glass top kitchen table and a Voodoo art piece for the wall.
I need a night job.
Moving on, 'Idol' had its normal batch of mommy-said-I-can-sing jokesters lining up to entertain me. It's actually becoming a guilty pleasure of mine. With the exception of "Yo dog, you pitchy", Randy what's-his-name, it's a decent show.
The best thing about last night? I got to talk about furniture with Michelle for, like, an hour and a half. It was awesome. Why do girls insist on bringing up subjects like this to dudes? I'd rather discuss the WNBA. She shows me a piece of furniture, ask me if I like it. "Do you like this one better? What about this one?" To her credit we talked about adding a 32 in LCD flat screen in the bedroom. That's how she roped me in. Then she flipped the shit on me, and when I came to, I was picking between a round glass top kitchen table and a Voodoo art piece for the wall.
I need a night job.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Happy National Signing Day, Geeks
I am a geek. I'll admit that. I follow college football recruiting like some people follow politics, or Jesus. And I take a lotta shit for it at times. So what if I know there's a defensive tackle out of Philadelphia who's 6'4 285, that can't be blocked in high school and projects as 1-tech in college, and has been compared to Gerald McCoy?
Of course my hobby takes its toll on the lady friend every once and a while. Most of the time I just sit in front of a computer, looking up the latest recruit info, while she dumbs down to an episode of Millionaire Match Maker. Speaking of Millionaire Match Maker, oh my god. If I could punch a collective group of people everyday for the rest of my life, the douche bags that sign up of this show would be working for the top spot on the list. What millionaire needs help landing a chick? These people need to be stoned in front of a live audience. But I digress.
So she watches awful television and it could be hours before I even acknowledge her existence even though she's right next to me--it's actually quiet extraordinary. and there've been times when she thinks I need to show her more attention (go figure) and some would agree, but whatever.
Good thing for her that today is National Signing Day and when the day ends so does the 2009 recruiting season. Bad news is I've already started following the 2010 season.
Of course my hobby takes its toll on the lady friend every once and a while. Most of the time I just sit in front of a computer, looking up the latest recruit info, while she dumbs down to an episode of Millionaire Match Maker. Speaking of Millionaire Match Maker, oh my god. If I could punch a collective group of people everyday for the rest of my life, the douche bags that sign up of this show would be working for the top spot on the list. What millionaire needs help landing a chick? These people need to be stoned in front of a live audience. But I digress.
So she watches awful television and it could be hours before I even acknowledge her existence even though she's right next to me--it's actually quiet extraordinary. and there've been times when she thinks I need to show her more attention (go figure) and some would agree, but whatever.
Good thing for her that today is National Signing Day and when the day ends so does the 2009 recruiting season. Bad news is I've already started following the 2010 season.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Introducing Mr. Perfectly Adequate
So here we are. First I figure I should give you at least a glimpse into what the hell I'm doing on blogspot. Well, I recently moved in to a place with my girlfriend (cannons firing). As if that wasn't a big enough leap, I did so while also moving into an apartment that's a measly 1000 square feet. Christ, I can't even begin to tell you how small the place feels. You know that unfresh recycled air in planes? Got the same thing going at my new digs. Anyway, there've been some changes, lately, some bad some good, and I figured "hell, let's write about it". She's an interior designer/slash biz owner/cuddle junkie. Me, I'm just a guy in sales, slingin' junk in the Chicago Loop, who longs to be a copywriter in the advertising world.
Tv shows, arguments, "will you love me forever?", beards, my gas, her yelling at me about my gas, American Idol, 2% vs skim; I'll just lay it out there for ya, and, I guess, whatever? Not sure after that. So, again, here we are.
Maybe even some romantic tales ala Danielle Steele.
Ready. Set. Go.
Tv shows, arguments, "will you love me forever?", beards, my gas, her yelling at me about my gas, American Idol, 2% vs skim; I'll just lay it out there for ya, and, I guess, whatever? Not sure after that. So, again, here we are.
Maybe even some romantic tales ala Danielle Steele.
Ready. Set. Go.
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