Doctor, I might be a doctor, too.

I've decided that I never have to go to the doctors office, again. No need for me to spring for the $20 co-pay. No need to read 9 month old US Weekly magazines in the waiting room for 15 minutes. No need to sit on the examination bed, counting throat swabs while waiting an additional 8 minutes for the Doc to come talk to me. Nope, I'm done because I found www.WebMD.com -- the only place that I can figure out just what exactly the neon green, superglue sticky-like substance that I hack on the sidewalks really is.

I dipped that last paragraph in heavy, heavy sarcasm if you couldn't tell.

The truth is, WebMD.com is terrible. This website is worse than free porn sites, or foxnews.com. Thanks to the wonderful people who brought us this medical marvel of a site, we now have millions of wanna-be doctors, self diagnosing themselves with everything from a common sinus infection to cancer. Now I'm not gonna make light of cancer, but I'm being serious when I say that cancer seems to pop up in every search results field after you plug in any symptoms you may have.

Case and point, I once had a serious problem with my stomach. Not to get all in-depth about it, but I ate some bad lettuce or something at a restaurant and ended up with the "runs" for, like, 7 days. It's like I spent a night drinking Mexico tap water with a splash of Mexico well water, on the rocks of course. Speaking of "the runs", why the hell are they called that? You can't run. Hell, you can't stride further than 3 inches at a time without putting your pant legs in serious jeopardy. But I digress. So I needed answers and I put in my symptoms on WebMD.com and boom, on the list of possibilities was cancer. What? Mass hysteria. I instantly picked up the phone, scheduled an appointment, and was in the Docs office that day.

When I told her what was up (which was an odd conversation) and then told her I feared that there could be several things wrong with me, even the possibility of cancer, she asked me what I was talking about. I said, "I was doing some checking on WebMD.com and....". She cut me off with, "Listen homey, I went to school for a few years to become a doctor. You get what I'm saying? Stop with the bullshit." Smart lady.

Turns out I don't know anything about being a doctor. Neither does www.WebMD.com