The Cubbies need Lou Brown, Jobu, and Charlie Sheen

I remember back in the day when Lou Brown, once a manager for the Toledo Mud Hens, took over the Cleveland Indians, a rag tag team of talent and pushed to win the American league pennant. Of course that was in a movie, but Lou Pinnella should take some notes from the 80's gem. Why? Because his team is shitting the bed just 13 games into the season and the similarities between his team and the '89 Indians led by Lou Brown are obvious. I know it's too early to panic but the bullpen's a train wreck, our lead off man can't hit or get on base, our clean up hitter rarely touches the ball, and our ace can't get anyone out. Not to mention that Sweet Lou looks like he's simply mailing it in for the last year of his contract and already thinking about Florida and endless days of playing golf.

Zambrano came into this season a "changed" man. He dropped some weight, switched up his diet, and altered his temperament on the mound. Great, it still doesn't change the fact that his throws just as many strikes as Rick Vaughn prior to figuring out he needed glasses. How many years is he going to do this? He's supposed to be the ace. He's certainly paid like one, yet he continues to underachieve. At least Rick figured it out after a brief stint in the California Penal League. Hell, the guy went from setting a Major League record for walks in a game to being a Cy-Young contender, and he was a rookie.

Then there's Ryan Theriot. He takes over the lead off duties and all of a sudden he can't get on base. He use to slap the ball around the field, now he acts like he wants to drive the ball in the air. He's like Willie Mays Hayes minus the ability to steal a bag. I can't help but think that Lou Brown would have him bustin' out 50 push ups at a time for every ball hit in the air. It worked for Willie, so who am I to second guess. The Cubs haven't had a solid lead off man since the short time we were blessed with Kenny Lofton. What happened while he was here? Think about it. Hendry's failure to snag an established lead off hitter is going to chase him forever.

Now it's hard for me to bag on Aramis Ramirez. The dude's eventually gonna hit, but can someone sacrifice a live chicken already, or get him a Jobu doll to stick in his locker. He's barely touching the ball in the early going and his run producing is a must if the Cubs are gonna contend. Pedro Cerrano always said that bats are afraid of curve balls, but in the case of Rami this season, his bat's afraid of fastballs, too.

The bullpen. Holy baby Jesus, the bullpen is atrocious. I knew it was gonna be a problem this year but you've got to be kidding me. 2 rookies? Seriously, with the payroll the Cubs fork out, you're gonna throw two rookies in the pen? And then there's Jeff Samardjiza. Honestly, this guy doesn't need to be in the majors. His curve ball doesn't curve. His change up is something out of little league. His fastball, though fast, is constantly over the plate and big league hitters tee off this tool. I can only wish that the crafty vetter Eddie Harris was around to teach Jeff wear put the Crisco, Bardol or Vagisil. God, could another guy use an extra 2-3 inch drop on his curve ball? Let's put it this way, when he's announced as the next pitcher out of the pen, I feel like committing a crime against an old person. He's terrible. The only bright spot in the pen is Sean Marshall and Marmol. Both have been pretty good, but they can't pitch everyday. Fact is, the Cubs can't compete with the bullpen they have in place. I blame Hendry, but what could I expect from a guy that sunk the Cubs in payroll for the next 8 years.

There are no excuses for the Cubs. Sweet Lou has to win with this club. Lou Brown once told his team that he wasn't much for giving inspirational addresses, but then pointed out that every newspaper in the country had picked them to finish last. That the local press thought it'd be a good idea if they saved everyone the time and trouble and went out and shot themselves. But rather than folding up shop the team decided to hang around for a while and see if they could give 'em all a nice big shitburger to eat! And they did.

I wonder what Sweet Lou's said to his squad after 13 less than stellar games?