Strugglin' with automatic flushes

I have a huge problem with toilets that flush automatically. Let me clarify. I have a problem with the toilets that I sit on that flush automatically. I can't take it anymore. Now I don't wanna get all poop-talk on everyone, but there's no way around it when discussing these damn things. I'm sittin' there and without warning, in mid session, these modern day porcelain assault machines flush and, in turn, splash dirty, unsanitary toilet water all over my good area like a malfunctioning bidet. It's disgusting. Some might argue it's a small price to pay for automatic courtesy flushes. But the reality is, I don't trust that water, and I sure as hell don't want it anywhere near my body. It's bad enough that I'm in a public bathroom, sittin' next to stall buddy who hammered down Taco Bell and a 12 pack the night before. I don't need the stress of splashing waste water. I'm on edge, counting the seconds between flushes, trying to time it so I can initiate hover mode as a diversionary method. Technology has stolen my peacefulness in the bathroom.

Thanks a lot guy who never flushed. This is your fault. Was it that hard to pull a silver handle?